


My Favorite Color Was Red

by lightwoody



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angry Magnus Bane, Blood, Hurt Alec, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Post-Alec Lightwood's Death, Sad Magnus, and he misses him, magnus just loves alec very much, please dont hate me, someone hug him, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 06:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10565655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightwoody/pseuds/lightwoody
Summary: It's been 15 horribly long years since Alec Lightwood died on a mission gone wrong and Magnus cannot keep the memories at bay. Despair ensues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this was actually the first fic i've written in a few years and i'm really happy with how it turned out!!! i hope you like it (even if u do cry rip sorry ily) !!!!

_“Please Alec, please keep your eyes open! Look at me! Alexander,” Magnus pleaded, his voice cracking when he used Alec’s full name. “I love you! I love you! You are not allowed to leave me, you have to stay with me!” A sob was ripped out of Magnus’ throat as he did everything he could, but he was too late._

_He had always been too late. It was only supposed to be a routine mission, just a few demons. Nothing that they couldn’t handle. Except that it was. There were dozens upon dozens of demons inside that warehouse, and they were simply outnumbered._

_Blood. There was so much blood. Magnus’ hands were stained red with the blood of the man that he loved. He had always thought of the color red as symbolizing passion and love and lust; it was the color of wine and lipstick and it had always been one of Magnus’ favorite colors, but now all he could see was red and Alec laying in front of him, dying, on this filthy warehouse floor._

_“Mag-” Alec began, but blood bubbled out of the corner of his mouth and rattling sounds came from his throat that made Magnus’ heart break in two._

_Magnus was desperately trying to heal him, as tears streamed down his face. Sparks were shooting from his hands in a torrent of blues and yellows and reds as he poured everything he had into saving the love of his life._

_“Magnus,” Alec whispered, his hands catching at Magnus’, forcing him to look into his eyes. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”_

_“Alec, it’s not okay, you’re dying! Let me heal you, p-please, please,” Magnus begged, trying to rip his hands away from Alec._

_But Alec tightened his grip as much as he could and looked at Magnus with his luminous hazel eyes. They were reflecting the moonlight that shone through the broken warehouse windows, and Magnus swore he had never seen anything so tragically exquisite in all his years._

_“Don’t ever forget-” Alec coughed, blood coloring his lips, and it was now that Magnus began to loathe the color red. “I love you. So much. I am so h-happy.” His eyes were wet and his shirt was soaked with blood and yet somehow he was still smiling._

_Magnus’ heart lurched and he pulled his hands free from Alec’s, once again doing everything he could, casting every spell he had ever learned. Alec gasped and pain etched across his face as his breaths came out in short, harsh pants. Magnus would have burned the whole world down if it meant that Alec would never feel any pain ever again._

_“Dammit Alexander, you are not dying!” Magnus sobbed. “This isn’t fair! We were supposed to have more time!”_

_Magnus’ magic sputtered out and he fell forward, laying his forehead on Alec’s, running his hands through the soft, onyx-black hair that he had loved so much._

_“IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou,” Magnus mumbled into the small space between himself and Alec, and if he focused hard enough, he could imagine that they were back at the loft, laying in their bed and laughing and touching and kissing. But they were not in bed, and they were not laughing. This was it._

_“Be happy, Magnus, promise me,” Alec begged, gripping Magnus’ sleeve so hard his knuckles turned white. His breathing began to stutter and the muscles in his body were beginning to loosen. “P-promise.”_

_“Yes, yes, I promise, I promise,” Magnus choked, his tears falling on to Alec’s cheeks and rolling down his face as if they were his own._

_“Magnus, I love-” Alec’s voice came to a halt and his eyes widened, then closed, as he took his final breath. Magnus yelled out Alec’s name as his vision went red and then pulled Alec’s limp body into his lap, and then he cried and he cried and he cried._

Magnus swiped angrily at the single tear that had escaped his eye and gripped his glass of whiskey until he felt it may break.

Fifteen years. It had been fifteen years since he had held the lifeless body of Alec Lightwood in that cold abandoned warehouse on the worst night of his life. All he could remember was the feeling that he was being ripped apart from the inside out, and screaming and crying and shouting until his voice had run out.

Now he sat in the same loft that he had shared with Alec only fifteen years before, only now it had lost all of the vibrancy and color it had once held. After that night, Magnus had walked into the loft, almost numb with disbelief, and had unleashed every ounce of anger he had ever possessed. He had knocked over paintings and vases and crystals; he overturned the tables and chairs and bookshelves and his skin had begun to glow dark blue with grief. Once Magnus had destroyed nearly the entire loft, he rid the place of anything that was red, unable to bare looking at the color. He had not had the will power to leave and go somewhere where there weren’t constant reminders of what he had lost; the loft was all he had left to show that Alec had loved him and that he wasn’t just one of Magnus’ wild stories.

Magnus closed his eyes and grit his teeth as he was subjected to another flashback.

_“When Shadowhunters fall in love, Magnus, it’s for life,” Alec whispered, his breath falling onto the warlock’s lips._

_Their foreheads were pressed against each other, and their noses were brushing and it was anything and everything all at once and Magnus found that he could not speak past the lump in his throat, as Alec’s beautiful hazel eyes bore into his own. He didn’t know how to tell Alec that he loved him so much that he felt like his chest was being crushed and he couldn’t fucking breathe. Instead, Magnus pulled Alec into him as tight as he could, sending waves of his magic from his hands to Alec’s skin, wanting Alec to really feel how much Magnus truly loved him._

_Alec gasped and pulled back, his hands still woven into the hair at the nape of Magnus’ neck. He looked surprised and confused and so goddamn in love._

_“By the Angel,” Alec croaked, surging forward to kiss Magnus desperately, his lips searching Magnus’ as if they were a map that could lead him to priceless treasures._

_Magnus closed his eyes as Alec kissed him, and placed his hands on the sides of Alec’s face, his thumbs delicately stroking his cheeks. Alec had moved to hold on to the collar of Magnus’ jacket, trying to pull him impossibly closer. He had always loved the way that Alec had kissed him as if it was the last time he ever would. Alec poured his soul into every kiss, every touch, every breath._

_“What- what was that?” Alec breathed when he had pulled away, holding on to Magnus’ jacket like it was a lifeline. His eyes were wild and his cheeks had flushed significantly. Magnus had thought he had looked positively divine._

_Magnus smiled. “I used my magic to transfer some of my emotions to you,” Magnus mumbled shyly. “There are no words existing in the English language that come close to my love for you, so I showed you how I felt instead.”_

_“Magnus Bane, you never cease to amaze me,” Alec said, repeating Magnus’ words from so long ago._

_“Shut up and kiss me, you beautiful, beautiful Nephilim,” Magnus muttered, before pulling Alec back in for another kiss, everything and everyone around them disappearing, leaving only the two of them. The whole world was theirs._

“FUCK!” Magnus yelled hoarsely, ripping himself from his memories, and throwing the glass of whiskey as anger and despair united inside of him. The glass hit the wall on the other side of the room and shattered into thousands of minuscule pieces, but it was nothing compared to the millions of broken pieces of his heart.

Magnus pushed himself out of his chair harshly, sending it toppling backwards onto the floor. He did not pay it any mind. He found that it was difficult to care about anything these days. Well, almost anything.

“You _left_ ,” Magnus seethed, speaking to nothing but the dusty furniture that had sat untouched for years, his blood boiling beneath his skin. “Just like all of the others. You left me and I _hate_ you.”

His lip trembled as he sank to the floor, his knees pulled to his chest and his hands buried in his unwashed hair, tugging at the strands.

_Oh, how you wish you could hate him_ said a voice inside of his head that sounded strangely like himself.

_But dear gods did you love him._

_You loved him so much you would have moved heaven and earth to make him happy._

_And now he’s dead and there is nothing that you can do._

As the voice taunted and teased, Magnus’ heart rate began to rise and his breathing became heavy and labored.

He pushed himself off the ground unsteadily and ran to the bedroom, his throat closing and his vision becoming so blurry he could hardly see a foot in front of him. Magnus shoved the closet door open and pulled things out one by one, throwing them behind him and not caring if they broke.

When Magnus finally found what he was looking for he fell back onto the floor and held the object in his trembling hands. It was a small, black, velvet box that looked extraordinarily ordinary from the outside, but meant more to Magnus than anything had in a long, long time.

The box clicked as he opened it, and his breath hitched as he fell helplessly into another unwanted memory.

_Alec seemed nervous and jittery, which was not unusual, but worried Magnus all the same. He had been pacing the apartment and was oblivious to where Magnus stood watching him from the threshold of their bedroom._

_“What’s wrong, my love?” Magnus asked softly, walking up to Alec where he stood in the middle of the living room, repeatedly running his hands through his untamed hair._

_“I, uh, I, um-” Alec stopped and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and pulling something out of his back pocket. “I got you something.”_

_Magnus stared at the box, which was only a little larger than a box for an engagement ring and he took it gently from Alec’s outstretched hand._

_“It’s not much and I’m sorry if you don’t like it. You don’t have to keep it, you can just get rid of it if you want, I don’t mind really-” Alec stopped mid-sentence._

_While Alec had been rambling on Magnus had opened the box, and inside sat an obsidian arrowhead, no larger than the palm of his hand. Magnus took the gift and turned it over, his heart skipping a beat when he saw what had been engraved._

Yours for eternity, AL.

_Magnus did not have the time to try and stop the tears, and they were now falling freely down his face. His whole body felt warm as he closed his fingers over the arrowhead. He had never felt so loved._

_When Alec saw the tears on Magnus’ face he stepped forward and grabbed Magnus’ face between his hands, lovingly brushing the tears away with his thumbs. Magnus leaned into Alec’s touch, turning his head sideways and kissing Alec’s palm tenderly._

_“Alexander,” Magnus choked, moving to clutch Alec’s shirt between his fingers. “Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that you are only half angel. You have blessed my life more than you know and I am hopelessly and implicitly in love with you.”_

_A smile broke out on Alec’s face, and Magnus could’ve sworn that it lit up the entire room. He saw that Alec’s eyes were glistening as well, and was glad that he was not alone in his elation._

_“I love you, Magnus,” Alec whispered, pressing soft kisses to Magnus’ cheeks, his temples, his nose, his eyes, and everywhere he could reach. “More than you will ever know.”_

_Magnus had never been so happy in his entire life. Not once over many centuries, parties, and lovers had anyone brought him as much bliss as the stunningly magnificent Shadowhunter standing in front of him._

_Magnus laughed a beautiful laugh and kissed Alec with his entire heart, handing it to him willingly, unaware of how soon it would break._

Magnus wanted to question whether or not that it was worth it. Had loving Alec been worth the unbearable agony he has endured for the past fifteen years? The sleepless nights spent sobbing on his bathroom floor, willing the memories away? The tormenting nightmares of Alec bleeding out, where he woke up screaming, looking desperately for someone who wasn’t there?

But Magnus could not bring himself to even question if it was worth it, because Alec Lightwood was worth every _goddamn_ second.

Magnus gasped for breath and choked on his tears as he clutched the arrowhead so tight in his hand that it broke the skin.

Blood dripped down his arm and all Magnus saw was _red_.


End file.
